There’s a meme that says, “there’s someone for everyone and the person for you is a psychiatrist.”
And thank god I found one in the form of a patient and loving partner because I’m cooked, psychiatrically unwell, hell I’m bat shit crazy.
The Spychiatrist has been telling me for years that I’m ADHD. And if anyone was equipped to give this diagnosis it’s her, A) she’s studied in excess of 10 years for this qualification and B) she managed to live with me for 10 long, long, long years. She knows me better than I know myself. ADHD = distractability, impulsivity, inattention, hyperactivity etc. The problem is I’ve never really listened until now.
I’m only listening now because I just realised that I can’t bear to sit with a friend and have coffee/lunch/dinner with them for more than 7 mins. I get bored, distracted, I feel trapped. That’s why I love the friends I do activities with. For example, swimming, walking, running and boogie boarding. And while I do these said activities, I still take myself off and do my own thing. And when I garden (on my own of course), I lose time. I just potter and play all by myself. A meditation. I’ve become so self sufficient and introverted as I’ve gotten older. No longer seeking the social but still seeking adventure and still curious to learn. Watching documentaries, Ted talks, vehemently reading and taking online courses in my cave.
My parents used to call me a “Wildechaya” – a wild child in Yiddish. It was appropriate. It stuck.
Be brief, be bright, be gone. This is my motto. In corporate I used to wish I could have said to some people say what you need to say in 2 minutes and politely fuck off. Like an elevator speech. Hurry up, the doors are about to open.
I figure I’m nearly 42, and I have had quite a successful life. I’ve taken Ritalin maybe 5 times in the past and on it I can’t sleep so I haven’t persisted. But if I’d taken it as a child, the possibilities would have been endless. I’m sure I would have been an A student. I’m not saying this to be arrogant. I did get As. I was a good student, but mainly got Bs and Cs but if I had been focused, if I could have sat still for more than 5 mins and not been such a chatterbox well maybe I’d be a nuclear physicist today. Actually that’s bullshit – I have no desire to be a nuclear physicist and the arts are my everything.
The Spychiatrist says I’m the most impulsive person she has ever met (I can’t plan my way out of a plastic packet), slow is not a word that’s part of my vocabulary. I do everything at speed.
When I do household chores I do 10 things at once. I walk to the kitchen to load the washing machine and land up wiping counters, rearranging food jars and picking up dog poo. No there’s no dog poo in the kitchen, thank god, I land up picking up dog poo because I notice I have to take the food waste outside to put it in the Bokashi bin. Side note: Not only are we fervent recyclers we’re also over zealous composters! I don’t land up doing anything I had intended to do. I’m totally distracted.
The more I age, the more I learn about myself, the more I learn to accept myself.
Coffee anyone? Not on your life!